The Ugly Truth~ Part 1

I Refuse to Live Like a Coward

 

 

I am my own defeat...
Possessed even
to the point of obsessions
Allowing pointless distractions
My focus needs more focus...
I let the moments fly by...I'm missing them
I preach my wishes...

Damaged, that's what they call it.
I'm not Broken I scream...but I am.
Dungeoned that's what I call it
Chained and Wounded
A Dragon on the verge of Death
Must I die?
Winter before Spring
Death before Life
It is what is required for resurrection
A Phoenix from the Ashes... Will I rise?
Ascension vanishes on the ever rising currents out my window
Jealousy fills my being as I watch them Live their dreams
So Envious it's blinded me to what's held within...
Their success makes me feel so small, but is it truly success after all?

So insecure I rage war on others
Is that all bark and no bite? No, I do bite and it's lethal
I have even openly attacked children, children that I adore and Love
I have struck my own...
stunted the growth..
My tongue is venomous
My heart filled with poison
I pray daily for purification
Hermitified by the humility of my actions
I am my own worst enemy
Ignoring the daily realities...

I am a Man Slayer- 3 were married
Forgiveness is UN-comprehensive
How could I ever be worthy to receive let alone give?
At times I have wanted to peel my skin off from shame
I just front a good Game... such a BIG ego... There enters the cellophane...
If they only truly knew
The Hatred seeps from my soul

I have grown Stone Cold...
Emotional detachment comes with ease
Thoughts of fleeting life fills me with Peace.
It's survival
Tears of sorrow no longer fall, like a mermaid warrior...weakness is not allowed, it'll be prodded at.
How thick I have become
He's LUCKY I didn't have a gun
I would have! Your God Damned Right! His brains would have exited the back side of his skull.
Even to this day
He still haunts me, the demon from my dreams, he is the succubus that steals my breath while I slumber
I can't stand the things they've done to me...
Or maybe I can't stand the fact that I was weak enough to let them
I was just a Baby- My own Justifications...
The fear smothered me then... in moments it does now
Even though I'd like to think I'm stronger somehow, I can't give them credit..
They're non deserving of something so powerful
NEVER AGAIN!!!

The horrors fill my dreams nightly...I can see their faces... the demons that entrap me...
This desire surges with force
I scream out for hope
I struggle for freedom
I feel the battle for my soul...
I am not strong enough to fight for the win
Can't you see my Blood stained skin?
Do I choose to stay? In the comfortable confines of sin
Save me...
The passage is definite... but my own stubbornness keeps me from making the first step
There are things still to ugly to admit, the mirror makes me sick
There goes the wind...
I wish I could fly...longingly I stretch for the sky

Wishful Thinking

I wish for just a moment to be... a moment to process the revisions and complete the refinement... to put the best me together for all to see the best of the best that could possibly be... a still moment to just breathe and let everything that's been takin in to combine into the ultimate win... a moment to detoxify and simplify... a moment to fully appreciate what I miss the most- the musky sent of a 9 year olds hair...because I never want to take whats precious for granted... a moment to be greater because I can, to build the courage it takes to make the risks higher... to take the calculated dives of a free form flyer... to stoke my faith in the currents of life and make my belief so solid I would never doubt in their existence or the providers presence... I wish for a moment to even finish this wish, to reveal the innards of my soul and a glimpse at the heart...but a few seconds is all I'm granted... make the most of them, they're all you get and each one could be your last, the next is not guaranteed.

Feme Swagg

Not to Toot my own Horn but...This is what Feme Swagg is about!

 

Pink Creme

Spring Fling

Because Princesses are IMPORTANT!!!

Leopard Sun Dragon

Aqua Swagg

Iced Eyes

Fox Rider A La Nor Cal

It's My Birthday

"I am Who I AM"

Celebrate Who you are!

I've got 28 years in this Game! I Love to Play and Yes I'm Here to stay!

This is my Mothafucking RED Friday! HEEEYYYYY!!!!

I am a Dragon, I eat unicorns for breakfast and shit magic all day long !!!

You ain't got Shit on me homie!

N while I'm at it I'll poo on you n laugh about it to... hahahhahahaha

Maybe you'll sprout a rainbow...It's what I do

I'm not fuckin afraid of them Cowards either

I'm fully funded by a higher Power~I am Not worthy either, that's why it's called Grace, you have to be humble to receive it and that I am... Humble and Grateful

A butterfly emerging from the cocoon this year... with out the fear... the fruition is so near.

Those closest to me caused so many tears...

Thank you God for the refinement it's what Keeps me ShInIn!!!

It's been a ride, can't believe these wings have healed and I can finally Fly.

The breeze of LiFe feels Amazin!!!

It's mine... to glide upon...this day and every day from now on... Yes I'm Blazin!

Today It's my Birthday... You knitted me in my mother's womb and planned for the day I would be born...Thank you God for this Gift.

Happy Cows

A Bull is what I am
Stubborn and relentless
Defiant and rebellious
Breaking out of the fence every chance I get
Consistently pushing the limits
Why does the grass always seem greener?
A Happy Cow is a sight to see, the light with in.
Just standing in the breeze sway-less   
Contentment in just being
Grateful in the blessings
Watching the frolicking cowlettes as I graze in my Lazy Haze
Firm and Immovable
Only yielding to the gentle hand
Be my Shepard O Lord in this Land

Thank you for the Cows... They make me Happy.

xoxo Me...

Hero

I'm supposed to be able to call you Right here, Right now, and you're supposed to pick up.
But you can't
I was going to post one helluva Happy Birthday on your Facebook too, but you wouldn't be able to read it, not then anyways...
I need you Pops, and this is the first glimpse for a second time of what it would be like if you really weren't around.
So Im going to say right here and right now, I love you and I'm grateful for your presence in my life...
I walked up to your old place today, for the first time since you left, I couldn't finish the walk...
I wish I could call you up and have one of our talks...
Im about to break and you're one of the greatest sources of my strength...
But it's because of you that I know "we'll" make it through this too.

I miss you Hero.

xoxo Me

Parenthood

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
     - Agatha Christie,1890 - 1976 

  Parenthood IS the Hardest, Longest, most Grueling, Emotionally involved, Loose yourself in everyone else's shit job there is...But it is the most Beautiful Gift anyone could be given...

Kids don't really need us... That's why they're given to us... and then we die.

They are brought into our lives, not visa versa.

It's our job to keep them alive because it's their job to refine us as human beings... 

after the superficial hustle n bustle of the daily world, they bring what's REAL back into being. 

They're Gifts from God to teach us what it is to really LIVE life.

They are LoVes Purest Form presented to us lost in the socialization process of societies as innocent reminders of how we should be

The moments when we want to pull our hair out because we are trying to help our kids conform, 

they are actually developing us... 

to keep firm in our essences and stand beside them as the whole is criticized and shots are taken. 

The Challenge is to be instinctually strong enough in yourself to be able to believe in them unconditionally...

The Goal is to let our Kids build up our Character rather than loose it to the world.

This moment your feeling right now... It's just part of the process baby.