The Ugly Truth: Beautiful Nightmare Interlude

I've never for more than a single moment felt pretty
With what I've done to myself I don't think I ever will
I want so badly to be other people, to be beautiful inside and out
I want the fucking re-do button
I want out
I don't want to be here anymore
I'll never have the life I want so why prolong the torture
To kid my self on disillusional Hype
To talk my self up the impossible steep of that damned circle only to face the downward bound
I don't want to be me
I want to crawl/ peel out of my skin
This body disgusts me
My Life disgusts me
I want a real Mom...Like Mya Angelou
Had I only known I had diamonds between my thighs
I want a real Dad... A protector and not a force of destruction
Had I only known how to LoVe
Abandonment is my defining term
I am a by product of every thing I hate
There is so so little of what I love
I look back and all I've ever sung is some sorrowful tune
The wailings of a broken heart
I hate the reality and I wish
God I wish so hard to not be real
I fantasize all day long
fairy-tails come true right
It's all Lies they feed a young mind
I still feel so childish
Like a blood stained child wishing praying everyday to be clean
to be pure
to be free of who I am.
I want my innocence back
I want to have hope
To have possiblility
All I've ever wanted to feel was worthy
To not be some desperate cry that people turn away from because I"m too painful to be essenced by
I want to be a different being entirely
I hate how they look at me
I hate how I see myself
The worst of the worst that could possibly be is my reality
Grace has surrounded my utmost failures
Was I only ever meant to dream
At 28 This life...This is my beautiful nightmare

Dissappointment

I thought you could see straight through into the heart of me,
I guess it wasn't real after all
I came to you for strength and you let me fall.
I even apologized to you for bailing out and crumbling under the pressure, for being afraid of failure.
For doing what she did,  I told you I just wanted to be everything you need.
I hurt you unintentionally, thought I was protecting you and those beautiful babies from the circumstances that defeat me. I didn't want to drag you down with me, thought I was setting you free from the craziness that comes with me. I was really calling out for help, looking for you to lift me up, thought you could see straight through into the need in me. I thought you would respond gently, but you shut the show down down, graced me with your cold shoulder, I guess that's what I get for getting my hopes up about a man, thought I found someone strong enough to grab my hand and help me stand. It was your shoulder I was begging to lean on, You left me on the ground, and still somehow I'm found myself with my foot on the gas unable to accelerate and leave, I was still waiting and out you came to rescue me. You lifted me up and carried me, held me all night long just to make me sing another sad love song. I thought a Beast for a Beast, what a Love Feast, it's a damned shame you bitched out on me when I was in my moment of need. You also disappointed me.

The Other Side

All DAY Long my hope is in you... My faith in only you I follow...My Lord Save me.

Hosea 11:3-4
"It was I {God} who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them."

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6).

Every part of me thats spose too, will make it to the Other Side.

Amen
xoxo Me

I Know Who I AM

Time Out

I think it's time for a time out.
I don't want no more
I wanna GET HAPPY BLESS IT!!!!
Life is the pursuit of happiness!
and It's MINE
I refuse to give up
I'm on a time crunch
NOW OR NEVER

I think I've made up my mind...
Some People are gonna HATE me...
HATE ON MOTHER FUCKERS HATE ON!
Some will think I'm Crazy...
I am and don't you EVER fuckin forget it.
Lord Give me the Courage because I BELIEVE
Let me TRUST in you
Let me succeed
Blessed Be
AMEN

Just Breathe...

My Heart hurts today... just breathe baby it's ok
I miss you so very much
Maybe I miss the person I thought you were
If I think about the disappointments it's only because I expected so much more
Never hope in mankind... they are but man
I don't know what I did to deserve the hurt
I don't think I ever did anything... aint that the way it goes
Equivalent exchange... my crimes are paid in full... so I think... but who am I really? Nobody
Maybe it's not me at all
Maybe it's just you n your own unhappily ever after
Such a Big Ego
Up so high you can't see the ground beneath you
That's gonna be some blow when you're brought down as low as you can go
Get some get right
Maybe I just feel alone
Like maybe no one in this world really knows me anymore
All the what if's
all the could be's
today they're ripping me apart and I can not breathe
It feels so heavy this heart of mine
so empty... all at the same time...how can that be?
Filled with disappointment, filled with pain
Deprived of Love, stripped of grace
Count your blessings to find what you look for...
I know the pain only exists because of the immense LOVE I have for you
So Be it
I do love you..
I don't know what I ever did to deserve a blessing like that...
That you would LOVE me too.
I am so blessed
Let go of what is and become who you were meant to be
Let go of the Envy
Let go of the Greed
Just let go already and be Free
Appreciate the now because that's all we're guaranteed
This is your Lot
Accept it and be Happy

*Accept that's a heavy word... to receive.. a gift... a blessing... Acceptance is not settling. It's gratuity.

Hoshi Rae Come Home

Hoshi Rae Where'd you go?
I don't know but you need to come home
Out finding internal peace
Too much chaos here but It's you who let this beast of her leash
You helped rescue me
My guardian angel you set me free
How am I supposed to get by with out my spirit guide?
How am I supposed to be still inside?
Return to the soul,
Delorne and I miss you so
Like a couple of fools simply existing here with out you
You teach us what it is to LIVE?
How can I raise her with out you?
I do not possess the Truth you give
We need you to be whole
so please Hoshi won't you come back home?

xoxo Zari the Soul

P.S. I found you sitting still, seeking to have all reviled...already home at his feet. Praying for salvation, stripped in silence, voiceless with a heavy heart. Return to me he says that we may never part, there has been sacrifices made to rescue you again, come home to me and be whole so that I may once again live with in my soul. So shall it be make me complete. AMEN!