At some point
At some point I have to make the decision to change
I have to make the efforts
I have to make the difference

It hurts
It hurst so fucking bad
So BAD that sometimes I can't even function
It's so fucking overwhelming as a whole
Where do I even begin

I've been in my house since November
It's still chaos
not even organized chaos
just plain flat out fucking CHAOS

The harder I try to control it the more is just fucking spirals out of control

I shake
I shake from trying so hard
I try so hard I can not breathe
and my body hurts
It Hurts so fucking BAD

I give up from time to time
sometimes its an afternoon
sometimes it's weeks
This is one of those times
weeks can turn into months

God help me give up

New Title?

Seriously thinking some of my more darkly hued shit should be a side blog:

Fucked Up Rants and Ramblings of a Dysfunctional Duo's Damaged Daughter

The Ugly Truth: Beautiful Nightmare Interlude

I've never for more than a single moment felt pretty
With what I've done to myself I don't think I ever will
I want so badly to be other people, to be beautiful inside and out
I want the fucking re-do button
I want out
I don't want to be here anymore
I'll never have the life I want so why prolong the torture
To kid my self on disillusional Hype
To talk my self up the impossible steep of that damned circle only to face the downward bound
I don't want to be me
I want to crawl/ peel out of my skin
This body disgusts me
My Life disgusts me
I want a real Mom...Like Mya Angelou
Had I only known I had diamonds between my thighs
I want a real Dad... A protector and not a force of destruction
Had I only known how to LoVe
Abandonment is my defining term
I am a by product of every thing I hate
There is so so little of what I love
I look back and all I've ever sung is some sorrowful tune
The wailings of a broken heart
I hate the reality and I wish
God I wish so hard to not be real
I fantasize all day long
fairy-tails come true right
It's all Lies they feed a young mind
I still feel so childish
Like a blood stained child wishing praying everyday to be clean
to be pure
to be free of who I am.
I want my innocence back
I want to have hope
To have possiblility
All I've ever wanted to feel was worthy
To not be some desperate cry that people turn away from because I"m too painful to be essenced by
I want to be a different being entirely
I hate how they look at me
I hate how I see myself
The worst of the worst that could possibly be is my reality
Grace has surrounded my utmost failures
Was I only ever meant to dream
At 28 This life...This is my beautiful nightmare

Dissappointment

I thought you could see straight through into the heart of me,
I guess it wasn't real after all
I came to you for strength and you let me fall.
I even apologized to you for bailing out and crumbling under the pressure, for being afraid of failure.
For doing what she did,  I told you I just wanted to be everything you need.
I hurt you unintentionally, thought I was protecting you and those beautiful babies from the circumstances that defeat me. I didn't want to drag you down with me, thought I was setting you free from the craziness that comes with me. I was really calling out for help, looking for you to lift me up, thought you could see straight through into the need in me. I thought you would respond gently, but you shut the show down down, graced me with your cold shoulder, I guess that's what I get for getting my hopes up about a man, thought I found someone strong enough to grab my hand and help me stand. It was your shoulder I was begging to lean on, You left me on the ground, and still somehow I'm found myself with my foot on the gas unable to accelerate and leave, I was still waiting and out you came to rescue me. You lifted me up and carried me, held me all night long just to make me sing another sad love song. I thought a Beast for a Beast, what a Love Feast, it's a damned shame you bitched out on me when I was in my moment of need. You also disappointed me.

The Other Side

All DAY Long my hope is in you... My faith in only you I follow...My Lord Save me.

Hosea 11:3-4
"It was I {God} who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them."

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6).

Every part of me thats spose too, will make it to the Other Side.

Amen
xoxo Me

I Know Who I AM

Time Out

I think it's time for a time out.
I don't want no more
I wanna GET HAPPY BLESS IT!!!!
Life is the pursuit of happiness!
and It's MINE
I refuse to give up
I'm on a time crunch
NOW OR NEVER

I think I've made up my mind...
Some People are gonna HATE me...
HATE ON MOTHER FUCKERS HATE ON!
Some will think I'm Crazy...
I am and don't you EVER fuckin forget it.
Lord Give me the Courage because I BELIEVE
Let me TRUST in you
Let me succeed
Blessed Be
AMEN