Once upon a time

He roamed around the land looking for a dragon to slay and a princess to save and when he came upon them both he found that they were one in the same and she didn't need saving at all.

A whisper of me

I've been stripped of a voice for too long...
Reading back through I thought maybe I should just delete this place.
There's so much pain...
sure a few golden moments of aha
a few glittering moments of glistening sun filled happiness...
But for the most part this place is a dumping ground.
Have I really grown so little?
That's not the reality...
I LOVE this place!
This place has been my safe haven.
A place where my ugly truths were safely confessed,
where my darkest secrets were set free without judgment.
This is my JuJu Converter.
This is the only place where every bad, ugly, and negative vibe can become beautiful.
This is my transformation station...
My place of renewal reformation.
I was drawn here for who knows what reason,
maybe because I've once again let the world reduce me to a shell of me...
No Hoshi guide, no Firebird shine, no dragon left all inside...
voiceless and stripped I've returned with a need for comfort and shelter...
New truths still too ugly to admit but too heavy to bear...
I'm broken from the inside out, spirit and all...
soul bleeding all over the place n shit!
Making the already explosive mess of my life spiral even further out of containments reach...
one step closer to the edge we call collapse and twice as far from sanity.
I've walked that fine line for a while now...
so far past the breaking point I don't know where this existence is or how I'm still existing in it?
I thought a person broke at the breaking point... that's why it's the fucking breaking point!!
Yet here I am back in my safe place,
Given back my a whisper of my voice,
A confirmation of hope, the sound of me.

Orange Dragon

I don't even know what happened to us. I don't even know why I'm still giving you seconds of my life, I just know that with everything wiped aside we, you and I, we were happy. It was genuine. You, me, we got scared. When I got scared you got scared and then we both got scared of eachother, of the hurt, we both pushed away, and pulled in, it was only a matter of time right. One often finds his destiny on the path he chooses to avoid it. Recessed in our own selfish insecurities, We hurt eachother.  I wore your Ireland sweater up until I brought it to you last night. I missed you. It's like you were dead. All of your things were here, the essences of you, but you, you've been gone for weeks. Maybe I was too stubborn to listen. I thought you were pushing me away and I wasn't going to let you be afraid of me, of the Love I have for you. But you, you were trying to tell me something different. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I miss you now. I miss your eyes, how we could say everything without saying anything. I miss your hair, it's musk, it's texture between my fingers. I miss the bridge of your nose even. You were my handsome boy. Almost too perfect, Orange, the perfect blending of my two favorite colors. You're so beautiful to me. Too good to be true, that's you. I used to sleep with one of your shirts and snuggle with your pillow just because it smelled like you. I wanted to memorize your smell, now I wish I could forget it. Even after I've washed the pillows and the sheets I can still smell you, I can still feel you there,  please go away.  God I never thought I'd love someone else. Here's the proof. Maybe in 2 more years I'll love again. God help me.

Untitled Track

 Title:TBD
Album: TBD

I just wanna be free
Feel the better side of me
I wanna paint the skies I fly in
Soar way up high in em
 I just wanna be free

TBC

At some point
At some point I have to make the decision to change
I have to make the efforts
I have to make the difference

It hurts
It hurst so fucking bad
So BAD that sometimes I can't even function
It's so fucking overwhelming as a whole
Where do I even begin

I've been in my house since November
It's still chaos
not even organized chaos
just plain flat out fucking CHAOS

The harder I try to control it the more is just fucking spirals out of control

I shake
I shake from trying so hard
I try so hard I can not breathe
and my body hurts
It Hurts so fucking BAD

I give up from time to time
sometimes its an afternoon
sometimes it's weeks
This is one of those times
weeks can turn into months

God help me give up

New Title?

Seriously thinking some of my more darkly hued shit should be a side blog:

Fucked Up Rants and Ramblings of a Dysfunctional Duo's Damaged Daughter

The Ugly Truth: Beautiful Nightmare Interlude

I've never for more than a single moment felt pretty
With what I've done to myself I don't think I ever will
I want so badly to be other people, to be beautiful inside and out
I want the fucking re-do button
I want out
I don't want to be here anymore
I'll never have the life I want so why prolong the torture
To kid my self on disillusional Hype
To talk my self up the impossible steep of that damned circle only to face the downward bound
I don't want to be me
I want to crawl/ peel out of my skin
This body disgusts me
My Life disgusts me
I want a real Mom...Like Mya Angelou
Had I only known I had diamonds between my thighs
I want a real Dad... A protector and not a force of destruction
Had I only known how to LoVe
Abandonment is my defining term
I am a by product of every thing I hate
There is so so little of what I love
I look back and all I've ever sung is some sorrowful tune
The wailings of a broken heart
I hate the reality and I wish
God I wish so hard to not be real
I fantasize all day long
fairy-tails come true right
It's all Lies they feed a young mind
I still feel so childish
Like a blood stained child wishing praying everyday to be clean
to be pure
to be free of who I am.
I want my innocence back
I want to have hope
To have possiblility
All I've ever wanted to feel was worthy
To not be some desperate cry that people turn away from because I"m too painful to be essenced by
I want to be a different being entirely
I hate how they look at me
I hate how I see myself
The worst of the worst that could possibly be is my reality
Grace has surrounded my utmost failures
Was I only ever meant to dream
At 28 This life...This is my beautiful nightmare